tomorrow…

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Tomorrow will be an overwhelming day.   I will be attending my friend Sandra’s visitation with several other friends from Hope Scarves.  I look forward to telling her mom and daughter how much she meant to me as an example of how to live with stage iv breast cancer, not hide from it or dwell in the sadness.  Yet, I know getting these words out is going to be very hard.

Then, at 1:45 I have my PET scan.  My first scan since my rediagnosis in January.  This marks 12 weeks (which seems more like 2 years) since the end of radiation and a good point to gauge what the cancer is doing.  I am nervous beyond words.  I feel great physically coming off a wonderful weekend with the marathon and being surrounded by family and friends.  This afternoon I did a little run/walk 4 mile loop in the sunshine.  I am slow, sore and tired.  But, I am out there moving and living.  Half way through my loop I sat in the woods in Cherokee Park and cried as I listened to the birds sing and saw the beautiful signs of spring all around me.  I thought about Sandra and the life she left behind, her unfinished dreams and her family who won’t be able to hold her and hear her sweet voice.    I thought about my own family and what lies ahead for us.  After a little while I just stood up and put one foot in front of the other and started to run.  I guess this is how it goes.   One step at a time and sometimes I just fall to my knees and cry and pray and scream in anger.  Then, I get back up.  I think the getting back up part is key…

So, tomorrow I am starting my day in kindergarten.  I was trying to think where I would want to be to feel happiness and joy on this hard day.   I’m pretty sure Second Pres Kindergarten is one of the happiest places on Earth.  So, I’m going to spend the morning with Bennett and his friends – surrounding myself with the laughter, optimism and hope that 5 & 6 year olds bring to each day.

I will post an update after we know the results from my PET scan tomorrow afternoon.  I am hoping for the best but also preparing for the idea that even if there is progression that doesn’t mean there isn’t additional treatments we can try.   We are at the beginning of this journey.  I am starting to figure out how to travel this new path. Tomorrow will be the first of many scans and accompanying anxiety.  And, unfortunately, it won’t be the last funeral I attend for a friend facing this disease.

This is the journey I am on.  I thank you for walking beside me and helping me along the way.  It means a lot to me to share my story and that you care to listen.  I so hope I post some good news tomorrow afternoon.

with love and peace,
Lara

outrunning cancer!

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This past weekend was a beautiful weekend in my life and for Hope Scarves. Our first Derby Festival marathon team competed with 16,000 other runners as team “Outrunning Cancer!” Our team was made of 80 runners from across the country who together raised over $23,000 to support the mission of Hope Scarves. We had the most runners and raised the most money of any first year charity! The energy of the weekend was amazing. We kicked off race weekend with a pasta dinner for around 200 people and celebrated the top fundraisers and the women we were running for. Race day was a beautiful morning and our team was so full of energy and determination. We had runners who ran farther than they ever had before, several who set new PR’s and many who ran in honor of loved ones. My favorite story is how one of our team members wore her mothers scarf, which she received from Hope Scarves during her treatment. 535731514db9219703f1cd0eHer mom was smiling from heaven for sure as her daughter ran in her honor. I was part of a relay team and when my friend Tom handed me our timing chip I just took off running. I wasn’t sure how long I could do it, but I put one foot in front of the other and ran… I ran the whole 3 miles! With tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. It felt so good to run! (It has taken me a couple days to recover from this adrenaline driven spontaneous pace, but my soreness was just muscle pain, not bone pain and I am doing much better now!) I loved crossing the finish line with our family and friends and seeing the bright blue outrunning cancer shirts throughout the course! Thank you to everyone who is part of our team and worked so hard to collect donations for Hope Scarves. Thanks to those who donated and all the volunteers who helped make the weekend possible. Special thanks to my family for being by my side through the good and the bad, for running and walking and cheering and laughing and crying together. I am so blessed. We are outrunning cancer not to run away from it, but to run faster and stronger than it. We don’t know how long this race is, what the terrain involves or what obstacles lie in our path. But, we will run strong and brave and hopeful! And hopefully someday we will run right into a cure.

back to life, back to reality…

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It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends.  I have had a little bit harder time this week.   I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me.  Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.

I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones.  I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.

I am happy to be home because this is, well, home.   And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation.  I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day.  I don’t have to obsess over eating the  very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth.  It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon.  It is just the way it is right now.   I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking.  The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day.  I can’t run.  My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy.  I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself.  I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running.  I took it for granted and I miss it.  But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked.  And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really.  It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness.   Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t.  But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime.  I have to focus on the positive.  Every. single. day.

After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping.  I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year.  I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else.  It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to.   I think i even found my dress for derby!

So, here we are, “back to reality.”  But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor!  I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient.  I need to focus on just being myself.  Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME!  I hope you are living your life true to who you are.   Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.

back to life, back to reality
Lara

cancer does not win

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We are having an amazing spring break adventure together as a family. We returned for the 4th year in a row to Hawks Cay resort in Florida keys. This place holds so many great memories, experiences and firsts for all of us. This year is no different- jay caught his first tarpon (45 minute fight- in and out of the bridges, 150 lbs!) Wills caught an elusive hog fish and conquered his fears as he swung on the rope swing into the ocean at our favorite kayak spot, I jumped 4′ waves in the ocean on a jet ski (with crying wills clinging to my back begging me to stop! Ya, right!) and Bennett enlightened us all with the fact that, “every hour is happy hour here.”

It has also been hard to be in such a happy carefree place when our current circumstances seem anything533c5e97af3d79d0313e53cc but this. I can’t help but watch all the families enjoying such happy ease. Thinking about how our life has changed and how badly I wished for these happier times.

But then I look around and think – we are living the same life. I feel great, the boys couldn’t be happier, jay and I have an even deeper love having again faced the beast that is cancer.

Cancer does not win. I am taking back my vacation, my life and OUR future. I refuse to lose another day of this amazing life with our amazing family being a scared cancer victim. I am a cancer survivor- as I have been for the past 7 years. It is a part of who I am. (But Hopefully my April PET scan will show it isn’t a part of any new spots on my bones) But, it is only a PART of who I am. I am more than cancer. I have big plans with my 3 boys and I intend to be back here to the Florida keys many times.

Right now I have to put some squid on a hook and catch some dinner. One day at a glorious, palm tree swaying time.

It’s “happy hour”
Lara

Face of Hope, April 2014 – Jodi (Lawrenceville, NJ)

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1. How did you become connected with Hope Scarves?

I met Lara at the C4YW conference in 2012 in New Orleans. My dear friend, a fellow survivor, met the ladies first and she was so excited she came over and said you have to meet them and fill out your story and send your scarves. We all started talking to the ladies and I was so inspired by the mission and vision of the organization that I filled out my story right away and took home my “HOPE” plaque that still hangs in my office.

2. If you donated a scarf please share what this experience meant to you or if you received a scarf and story please share how this impacted your healing journey?

Upon arriving home from the conference, I packed up my scarves and sent them all to Hope Scarves the next day. It felt like this was the next step in my journey and it helped me to move further down the path. I hardly wore my scarves because in my mind it really meant I was in treatment and cancer was really happening.

3. What are the things that provided hope and strength to you throughout your battle?

My son was 2 years old when I was diagnosed and he was the one that I fought for. I wanted to do everything to be here for him. My parents, husband and friends were cheering me along and right by my side the entire journey and they still have not left me.

4. Where are you currently on your cancer journey? Tell us how you are living life over cancer.

On April 13, I will be celebrating my 5 year “cancerversary” and at the end of the summer a dream that I have had since the day I was diagnosed will come true, we will be welcoming twins.

5. What do you wish other people knew about Hope Scarves?

I wish everyone knew that Hope Scarves is there to provide hope and encouragement and as a scarf donor, the words that you write and the story that you share provides someone with more than just a scarf.

6. What would you tell someone who is thinking about sending a Hope Scarf to a friend battling cancer?

I would tell them to pick a scarf that reminds them of their friend and write a note with it so they know they are not alone and provide them with encouragement during their journey.

7. What is one of your dreams or goals for the future?

One of my goals is to continue making sure that no young women faces breast cancer alone and they are connected to the services and supports needed during their journey and I dream of a world without any cancer.

8. What is your favorite inspirational quote or words to live by?

When life gives you lemons, make pink lemonade!

9. If your friends or family had to describe you in two words, what would those be?

Hopeful and determined

10. Please share something you learned having gone through cancer – either as a survivor or as having a loved one with cancer.

I have learned what truly matters to me in life and the rest is just noise. Focus on the positive and leave the negative behind.