I am in the middle of a nine day stretch on my own while Jay travels for work. As much as we all miss him and look forward to his morning and nightly calls, I am really happy that I can do this again. You see, Jay’s job has always involved travel and the boys are used to him “flying” to meetings in other countries. Over the past year my parents have come down when Jay travels and we are appreciative of the help. But, this week I wanted to do it on my own. This is a slice of our old normal that I used to be frustrated about and this week am simply loving… in a semi-exhausted way.
When Jay travels we haul the little trundle bed mattress into the master bedroom and the boys alternate sleeping in the big bed and the little bed on the floor below. We fall asleep together talking in the dark about basketball, frogs and the country of Chad, which Bennett told me is also a river. Giggles. It’s a sleepover every night. I love it and I love that they do too. After they close their eyes I read late into the night as I listen to them breath and dream. Some nights I just stare at them in love.
I hold them close and whisper how much I love them. Hoping these words will sink deep into their sub conscience. Locked away in the deepest part of their being to become something they feel in their soul without having to actually hear. I love you with all my heart and all my soul… forever.
Last night Bennett woke up with a night terror. You know, when they cry out with their eyes open but they aren’t really there. He was sobbing and confused. I held his shaking body close and sang “Hush little Baby” like I did when he was tiny. His body relaxed in my arms and he held my hand as his blank eyes closed and the calm breathing of sleep returned. I held him until my arm fell asleep- whispering how much I loved him over and over and over. Like all parents, I can’t stand to see our kids sad or hurt. As I held him last night I was sick to my stomach thinking about how this damn cancer was going to bring sadness we can’t hush. And that one day I am going to cause my sweet boy this same kind of out of body sadness by leaving this earth. Squeeze tighter. Hold on to right now.
When I think about the sadness cancer is going to cause my three boys that’s when I get the maddest of all. That’s when I get really pissed off. When I think about what it has already robbed from our family and what it is going to take away from us in the future I am infuriated. But, I have to let go of the anger and the pain of tomorrow before it consumes me with paralyzing fear. I hold on to today. Literally hold on… to the ones I love, to the leash as I run with our dog keeper, I hold on to the “crow pose” in yoga. “Hold on!” I yell at the boys when I just want one private moment in the bathroom. Holding on for dear life. Clinging so tight to my dear life that I don’t take one moment, day or week on my own with the boys for granted.
Hush little baby. Know that mama is here… For now my physical hug surrounds you, but you have my heart and soul forever.