back to life, back to reality…

It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends.  I have had a little bit harder time this week.   I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me.  Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.

I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones.  I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.

I am happy to be home because this is, well, home.   And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation.  I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day.  I don’t have to obsess over eating the  very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth.  It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon.  It is just the way it is right now.   I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking.  The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day.  I can’t run.  My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy.  I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself.  I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running.  I took it for granted and I miss it.  But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked.  And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really.  It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness.   Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t.  But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime.  I have to focus on the positive.  Every. single. day.

After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping.  I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year.  I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else.  It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to.   I think i even found my dress for derby!

So, here we are, “back to reality.”  But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor!  I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient.  I need to focus on just being myself.  Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME!  I hope you are living your life true to who you are.   Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.

back to life, back to reality

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