A roller coaster of emotions… ending with good news!

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Today was an emotional day to say the least.  I spent the morning with Bennett in his kindergarten class, just sitting in wonder of the little miracle who I felt kick inside me the first time I heard the words, “you have cancer.”  So filled with joy to see the kind, smart, witty little boy he has become.

Then, I went to say farewell to my friend Sandra.   It was hard to look at the smiling pictures of her throughout her life and listen to people talk about how unfair this disease is and how quickly it spread throughout her body. As my body trembled I focused on the example she was to me and so many others about living each day to the fullest.

5359cbe9ac7ee94b30cdd137Then Jay and I went to my PET scan.   Luckily we have a dear friend who is a radiologist so we had our results quickly.   The scan revealed that there is NO PROGRESSION.   No new spots of cancer.   The spot in my sacrum is still there- which is to be expected.  But, no growth beyond this spot.

We are so happy to be blessed with this news.  We sat on our deck with a bottle of our favorite champagne and toasted today.  Today we laughed and celebrated this good news.  We don’t know what the future holds, but on this roller coaster I am learning you have to celebrate each moment of good news.

Now, back to life.  No more living in fear of this test or if each ache and pain I feel is a new tumor.   I have a lot of living to do and I hope the news from todays scan will bolster my resolve that I can live with this disease.   This new reality is crazy.  I will have another scan in 3 months.  We will monitor things closely.  I will continue with the treatment I am on – monthly injections of xgeva to strengthen my bones and daily medications to block the estrogen remaining in my body despite removing my ovaries.  Side effects are minimal and manageable.  Really the hardest for me has been the lack of energy – for those who know me, you know I am used to doing 100 things in a day.  But, I am adjusting.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and encouragement and positive juju today.  It was such a roller coaster, but I am so happy to say that today the ride ended on a high.  I hope I can share many more happy moments and good news with you!

A beautiful angel on Earth and now in heaven

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My heart is heavy as I reflect on the life and loss of my friend Sandra Fleeks.   I met Sandra several years ago through our young survivors group and was immediately touched by her sweet kindness.  She graciously faced metastatic breast cancer and many side effects for two years, but you wouldn’t know it.  She always had a smile on her face and time and love to share to help others.  Sandra died yesterday… and my heart goes out to her friends and family.

Sandra was an active community member, volunteering for many organizations around town.  We were 5357b8584db921e97712568elucky for Hope Scarves to be one of them.  She was our February Face of Hope, you can see her profile here.  https://hopescarves.org/face-of-hope-february-2014-sandra/.  She was also a scarf and story donor and usually one of the first to answer my request for help from survivors at public speaking events, booths or a special event.

I tremble as I face the same disease that she fought for two years and ultimately robbed her of a long, complete life on Earth.  I know she is at peace now and free of the pain she was feeling.  But, I am so angry at breast cancer.  I am so angry that this disease kills so many women each year (41,000) and that over the past 30 years although the “awareness” and “pinkness” has increased exponentially, the death rate has basically stayed steady.   I pray for advances in medicine and that we really, really might actually be able to find a cure to this awful disease so that no more children have to lose their moms.  Selfishly, especially mine.

Peace be with Sandra’s family and may we carry on a little bit of her kind, gentle ways in the work of Hope Scarves.

Thank you Sandra for showing me how to be brave.

tomorrow…

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Tomorrow will be an overwhelming day.   I will be attending my friend Sandra’s visitation with several other friends from Hope Scarves.  I look forward to telling her mom and daughter how much she meant to me as an example of how to live with stage iv breast cancer, not hide from it or dwell in the sadness.  Yet, I know getting these words out is going to be very hard.

Then, at 1:45 I have my PET scan.  My first scan since my rediagnosis in January.  This marks 12 weeks (which seems more like 2 years) since the end of radiation and a good point to gauge what the cancer is doing.  I am nervous beyond words.  I feel great physically coming off a wonderful weekend with the marathon and being surrounded by family and friends.  This afternoon I did a little run/walk 4 mile loop in the sunshine.  I am slow, sore and tired.  But, I am out there moving and living.  Half way through my loop I sat in the woods in Cherokee Park and cried as I listened to the birds sing and saw the beautiful signs of spring all around me.  I thought about Sandra and the life she left behind, her unfinished dreams and her family who won’t be able to hold her and hear her sweet voice.    I thought about my own family and what lies ahead for us.  After a little while I just stood up and put one foot in front of the other and started to run.  I guess this is how it goes.   One step at a time and sometimes I just fall to my knees and cry and pray and scream in anger.  Then, I get back up.  I think the getting back up part is key…

So, tomorrow I am starting my day in kindergarten.  I was trying to think where I would want to be to feel happiness and joy on this hard day.   I’m pretty sure Second Pres Kindergarten is one of the happiest places on Earth.  So, I’m going to spend the morning with Bennett and his friends – surrounding myself with the laughter, optimism and hope that 5 & 6 year olds bring to each day.

I will post an update after we know the results from my PET scan tomorrow afternoon.  I am hoping for the best but also preparing for the idea that even if there is progression that doesn’t mean there isn’t additional treatments we can try.   We are at the beginning of this journey.  I am starting to figure out how to travel this new path. Tomorrow will be the first of many scans and accompanying anxiety.  And, unfortunately, it won’t be the last funeral I attend for a friend facing this disease.

This is the journey I am on.  I thank you for walking beside me and helping me along the way.  It means a lot to me to share my story and that you care to listen.  I so hope I post some good news tomorrow afternoon.

with love and peace,
Lara

outrunning cancer!

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This past weekend was a beautiful weekend in my life and for Hope Scarves. Our first Derby Festival marathon team competed with 16,000 other runners as team “Outrunning Cancer!” Our team was made of 80 runners from across the country who together raised over $23,000 to support the mission of Hope Scarves. We had the most runners and raised the most money of any first year charity! The energy of the weekend was amazing. We kicked off race weekend with a pasta dinner for around 200 people and celebrated the top fundraisers and the women we were running for. Race day was a beautiful morning and our team was so full of energy and determination. We had runners who ran farther than they ever had before, several who set new PR’s and many who ran in honor of loved ones. My favorite story is how one of our team members wore her mothers scarf, which she received from Hope Scarves during her treatment. 535731514db9219703f1cd0eHer mom was smiling from heaven for sure as her daughter ran in her honor. I was part of a relay team and when my friend Tom handed me our timing chip I just took off running. I wasn’t sure how long I could do it, but I put one foot in front of the other and ran… I ran the whole 3 miles! With tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. It felt so good to run! (It has taken me a couple days to recover from this adrenaline driven spontaneous pace, but my soreness was just muscle pain, not bone pain and I am doing much better now!) I loved crossing the finish line with our family and friends and seeing the bright blue outrunning cancer shirts throughout the course! Thank you to everyone who is part of our team and worked so hard to collect donations for Hope Scarves. Thanks to those who donated and all the volunteers who helped make the weekend possible. Special thanks to my family for being by my side through the good and the bad, for running and walking and cheering and laughing and crying together. I am so blessed. We are outrunning cancer not to run away from it, but to run faster and stronger than it. We don’t know how long this race is, what the terrain involves or what obstacles lie in our path. But, we will run strong and brave and hopeful! And hopefully someday we will run right into a cure.

back to life, back to reality…

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It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends.  I have had a little bit harder time this week.   I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me.  Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.

I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones.  I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.

I am happy to be home because this is, well, home.   And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation.  I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day.  I don’t have to obsess over eating the  very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth.  It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon.  It is just the way it is right now.   I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking.  The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day.  I can’t run.  My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy.  I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself.  I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running.  I took it for granted and I miss it.  But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked.  And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really.  It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness.   Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t.  But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime.  I have to focus on the positive.  Every. single. day.

After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping.  I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year.  I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else.  It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to.   I think i even found my dress for derby!

So, here we are, “back to reality.”  But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor!  I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient.  I need to focus on just being myself.  Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME!  I hope you are living your life true to who you are.   Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.

back to life, back to reality
Lara