One year and counting…

The median survival for metastatic breast cancer is 3 years.  I have probably been living with the disease for awhile since my tumor was so big when discovered, but by the books it has now been one year since my diagnosis.  Sit with that for a moment.  1 year into a three year median survival.

Unfair.

I look at pictures on facebook of friends who are no longer with us because of this damn disease.  I look at pictures of them 2 years before they died.  They are beautiful, radiant. happy.

So as I live in the moment and laugh and consume myself with all the amazing “normalness” of our life these days.  I drive my kids to school, sports and playdates.  I move my body every day – yoga, trail running, bootcamp.  I love how strong my body feels right now and how I can push myself to get stronger.  I love how I feel when I hold a backbend in yoga.  But, as the blood rushes to my head and my arms shake, I wonder how long I will be able to do this…

I found myself shopping and thinking about house projects again.  Every day things I used to love, but haven’t seen any point to for the past year.  It’s fun to be “normal” and happy. But I think about that three year statistic as I walk around Anthropologie and I think about who would look cute in the dress I buy so it doesn’t go to waste.

Cancer isn’t right in front of my face all day.  Before it was all I could see.  Now it sits in my peripheral vision… always looming there, but not in my face.

I’m grateful to be able to laugh and plan and do everything I want to physically.  Some people with this disease don’t have that chance.  So, I face down the fear of what is to come every day.  I focus on the simple joys of our beautiful life.  I look back on all we faced this past year and am so thankful to be where we are today.  I would give anything to make it all go away and to be able to think about my children’s future without fear.  To dream again about all the plans jay and I have for the future.

I read a quote this week that I have been focused on: “Fear doesn’t prevent death.  It prevents life.”
So, I live and love and laugh.

For our lives are made up of each day and each moment.  I don’t know if I have 2 years or 10 years… but I know I have the day before me.  So do each of you.
live each day with intention and purpose.

one year and counting… on many more laughs, adventures and love.
Lara