Tomorrow will be an overwhelming day.   I will be attending my friend Sandra’s visitation with several other friends from Hope Scarves.  I look forward to telling her mom and daughter how much she meant to me as an example of how to live with stage iv breast cancer, not hide from it or dwell in the sadness.  Yet, I know getting these words out is going to be very hard.

Then, at 1:45 I have my PET scan.  My first scan since my rediagnosis in January.  This marks 12 weeks (which seems more like 2 years) since the end of radiation and a good point to gauge what the cancer is doing.  I am nervous beyond words.  I feel great physically coming off a wonderful weekend with the marathon and being surrounded by family and friends.  This afternoon I did a little run/walk 4 mile loop in the sunshine.  I am slow, sore and tired.  But, I am out there moving and living.  Half way through my loop I sat in the woods in Cherokee Park and cried as I listened to the birds sing and saw the beautiful signs of spring all around me.  I thought about Sandra and the life she left behind, her unfinished dreams and her family who won’t be able to hold her and hear her sweet voice.    I thought about my own family and what lies ahead for us.  After a little while I just stood up and put one foot in front of the other and started to run.  I guess this is how it goes.   One step at a time and sometimes I just fall to my knees and cry and pray and scream in anger.  Then, I get back up.  I think the getting back up part is key…

So, tomorrow I am starting my day in kindergarten.  I was trying to think where I would want to be to feel happiness and joy on this hard day.   I’m pretty sure Second Pres Kindergarten is one of the happiest places on Earth.  So, I’m going to spend the morning with Bennett and his friends – surrounding myself with the laughter, optimism and hope that 5 & 6 year olds bring to each day.

I will post an update after we know the results from my PET scan tomorrow afternoon.  I am hoping for the best but also preparing for the idea that even if there is progression that doesn’t mean there isn’t additional treatments we can try.   We are at the beginning of this journey.  I am starting to figure out how to travel this new path. Tomorrow will be the first of many scans and accompanying anxiety.  And, unfortunately, it won’t be the last funeral I attend for a friend facing this disease.

This is the journey I am on.  I thank you for walking beside me and helping me along the way.  It means a lot to me to share my story and that you care to listen.  I so hope I post some good news tomorrow afternoon.

with love and peace,
Lara

It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends.  I have had a little bit harder time this week.   I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me.  Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.

I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones.  I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.

I am happy to be home because this is, well, home.   And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation.  I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day.  I don’t have to obsess over eating the  very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth.  It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon.  It is just the way it is right now.   I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking.  The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day.  I can’t run.  My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy.  I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself.  I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running.  I took it for granted and I miss it.  But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked.  And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really.  It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness.   Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t.  But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime.  I have to focus on the positive.  Every. single. day.

After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping.  I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year.  I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else.  It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to.   I think i even found my dress for derby!

So, here we are, “back to reality.”  But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor!  I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient.  I need to focus on just being myself.  Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME!  I hope you are living your life true to who you are.   Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.

back to life, back to reality
Lara