It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends. I have had a little bit harder time this week. I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me. Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.
I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones. I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.
I am happy to be home because this is, well, home. And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation. I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day. I don’t have to obsess over eating the very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth. It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon. It is just the way it is right now. I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking. The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day. I can’t run. My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy. I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard. I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself. I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running. I took it for granted and I miss it. But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked. And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really. It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness. Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t. But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime. I have to focus on the positive. Every. single. day.
After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping. I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year. I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else. It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to. I think i even found my dress for derby!
So, here we are, “back to reality.” But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor! I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient. I need to focus on just being myself. Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason. I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME! I hope you are living your life true to who you are. Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.
back to life, back to reality