It was only Monday that we were eating breakfast with sand between our toes, but it seems like so much longer! The boys transitioned back to school great – eager to share their shells and stories with friends.  I have had a little bit harder time this week.   I so enjoyed my vacation from cancer, break from research and letting myself relax and just be me.  Now that I am back I am feeling the enormity of reality and digging down deep to feel the joy and determination I had while away.

I had an injection of xgeva upon my return – which is a drug that helps strengthen my bones.  I leaned back in the big leather infusion chair and closed my eyes… picturing the beach chair and blowing palm trees of just 2 days before.

I am happy to be home because this is, well, home.   And, I am giving myself a break to live a little more like I did on vacation.  I don’t have to research and read about cancer every day.  I don’t have to obsess over eating the  very best, most healthy thing every time I put something in my mouth.  It isn’t a sign of weakness when I have to take a nap in the afternoon.  It is just the way it is right now.   I think the hardest part is that it is the most amazing spring weather here and we live right near Cherokee Park – a home we purposefully purchased because of its access to running and biking.  The marathon is next week and there are about 100 people running by our house every day.  I can’t run.  My sciatic nerve pain is just too much, not to mention the fact that I have very little energy.  I didn’t think it would bother me this much, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I guess the biggest reason is because I just don’t feel like myself.  I would be meeting up with friends on these glorious spring days and running.  I took it for granted and I miss it.  But, this morning I met up with friends and we walked.  And, we laughed and I realized it isn’t about the running, really.  It’s about the friendship and being in nature and smelling the springtime freshness.   Maybe I will be able to run again, maybe I won’t.  But, I am thankful for the friendships and the springtime.  I have to focus on the positive.  Every. single. day.

After my walk – I met my friend Jenny and her sweet daughter Lucy to do a little Derby shopping.  I have had very little interest in getting ready for one of my favorite weekends of the year.  I appreciate her getting me out and just laughing and shopping for hats and dresses like everyone else.  It felt really good to bounce around the boutiques and grab lunch like I used to.   I think i even found my dress for derby!

So, here we are, “back to reality.”  But, more so I hope I will be “back to life” (Remember that song by Soul II Soul in the 90s… loved that song.) Finding energy each day to be a great mom, engaged friend, loving wife, creative professional and strong breast cancer survivor!  I felt rejuvenated on spring break because I left like myself, not a scared cancer patient.  I need to focus on just being myself.  Being happy in this body- even if it can’t run, is consumed by hot flashes at a moments notice and is turning against me for some reason.  I have a lot of living left to do and I want to do it as ME!  I hope you are living your life true to who you are.   Celebrate each day – whether at the beach or the grocery store- life is so beautiful.

back to life, back to reality
Lara