Stable…

My PET scan came back to show stable disease and decreased activity at the site of my original tumor in my sacrum. This is great news!

Yet, for some reason I’m not bouncing off the wall with relief and excitement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled and so thankful for a good scan. I am so happy to know my body is responding to my current treatment.

But, I have cancer. I will never again feel the strength and joy of being in remission. Of being “cancer free” of being “done with treatment” of “getting back to life” like so many cancer patients talk. The steps we take now are holding off the cancer. Maybe for 3 months, maybe even a year, maybe more. It’s settling into this reality and the unknown that has me nervous to celebrate. How I yearn for someone to say- we can solve this or this is what we need to do to make you well.

This is the reality many people face who live with chronic disease or an incurable cancer. It’s hard. I never felt these feelings and I can’t quite explain it.

So, today we celebrate. We tell our kids mommy’s cancer is smaller and give them some much needed relief. We say a prayer of gratitude and let the relief roll over us knowing it isn’t worse. Today, we take a deep breath.

And we get busy living!! Headed to Michigan on Friday for a summer of adventure, laughter and fun. I have a doctor lined up there to do my treatments in between sailing, visiting friends and fishing. I will keep nurturing my body,mind and spirit. And in 3 months we will scan again. Hoping for more time and another stable report.

Love and stableness,
Lara