Hard couple days

It’s been a rough couple days.  The worst yet actually.

I think it is a combination of factors – first I was coming off such a high from Atlanta and thinking I was feeling good and getting back on track with life and Hope Scarves. Feeling an enormous about of hope that I was going to be strong and fight this for a long time.  Then, we went to Vanderbilt for a 3rd opinion and the Dr. there basically kicked me in the gut and threw my hope out the window.    She is clearly an expert and very knowledgable, but she shared information with us in a very matter of fact way that didn’t leave much room for hope.  She explained that she thought my cancer would progress quickly and does not have much chance to remain stable.  She explained treatment options and clinical trials.  But, believes things will progress as opposed to staying stable or not growing as we are hoping.  I physically felt my body crumble.  I couldn’t breath.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t move.

Driving home from Vanderbilt I just cried and cried and cried.  How dare she take away our hope?  This little glimmer that, sure I have metastatic disease in my bones.  But, maybe, just maybe we can stop it there.  We can find the right combination of hormone therapies, complimentary medicine, exercise, faith and positivity to just keep that cancer at bay.  For a year… for 5 years.  For 10 years!  She doesn’t know!!  How dare she take away this chance.

Following this appointment I went into physical and mental shock.  I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or do much of anything for 2 days.  I am physically weak, shaky, devastated. I also think I am having some drug related symptoms that are making me very ill.  This is the first time I have been in a seated position today.  But, I am seated.  I am eating an apple.  I am listening to the “healing sounds” pandora station and I am crawling out of the hole she kicked me into.  Hand over hand- clinging to little knobs of hope.  and being gently pushed up by our loving family, dear friends, faith and a deep seeded sense in my being that I have time left on this earth.   I will be well again. I will dance and sing (way off key), laugh, travel, and maybe even run.  She doesn’t know what this cancer will do any more than anyone else – so to say it will most likely grow quickly is her opinion (how ever expert she is).  I have an opinion too and so do my rockstar doctors, Dr. Williams and Dr. Harvey and we are going to leave room for hope.   And if she is right…. and it does grow quickly.  We are going to fight it.

So, if you have called or emailed or sent meals or gifts this week.  I’m sorry I haven’t responded. I will hopefully regain my strength in the coming days as my body adjusts to all the medicine, heals from the radiation and rests from this past weekend.   I might even shower… tomorrow.

Please pray for peace in my heart and head.  For calm and a sharpened focus on hope.
with hope,

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