happy in the midst of despair

Someone sent me a quote that really spoke to me – “Hope is the power of being cheerful in the circumstances you know to be desperate.” G.K. Chesterton

I’ve been struggling with this – finding joy with a stage IV cancer diagnosis.  Being able to laugh and enjoy silly little things when my future is so unknown and my timeline shortened.   But, I have to believe that I can be happy again. That laughter and joy are so powerful and I have to let them in.  I am a happy person.  I love to laugh (loudly for those who know me well).

While I recover from surgery and wait to find out what my bodies next move will be – I am trying so hard to feel joy again.  To be hopeful in the face of despair.

My daily prayer/focus/intention is that this cancer is limited to my sacrum.  That the radiation killed all the cancer cells there and that the combination of removing my ovaries and my new sugar free, plant based, super healthy veggie charged diet will help my body fight off any other cancer cells that are trying to stake their claim to my bones.  I have to believe I can hold steady with this one spot in my sacrum and fight it off for awhile.  I recognize I will always be in treatment.  But, I hope that I can buy myself some time to laugh, love & live!  I can get back to doing the laundry, driving the kids to school, getting beat at horse by both my 8 year old and 6 year old (I mean I really try too!), date night with Jay and all the things that made our life so great before this diagnosis.  This isn’t a far out hope – it can really happen.  Although, I also have to be prepared to face a future where this doesn’t happen.  Where the next PET scan shows growth… and figure out how to still be hopeful.  I guess this unknown is the hardest part.  That’s the “desperate” part of our situation.

So, today, I chose hope. And, I put one foot in front of the other and try to find my way back to the life I love and live it as deeply and lovingly as I can.