Outrunning Cancer

This past weekend I had the incredible honor to be part of Hope Scarves Outrunning Cancer team.  Our team of 165 runners raised over $50,000 to support women facing cancer and metastatic breast cancer research.  AMAZING!

5540e4d6ac7ee9c976d72810My heart is overflowing with gratitude as I think back on this once in a lifetime weekend.   I would give cancer back in a heartbeat, but since I can’t, I can say the one beautiful thing that comes from the darkness is the love and support people share.  I am humbled and so honored for the outpouring of love and laughter this weekend brought to the world.   I can’t begin to capture all of it, but here are some of the best stories from the weekend.

  • We kicked off race weekend with a Pre-Race Pasta dinner for over 200 people.  The space was buzzing with race day excitement.  As the kids ran around with balloon swords and runners chatted I had the honor to meet a young woman running in honor of her mother who was a Hope Scarves scarf recipient.  I had met her last year and reconnecting as she beamed with pride for her daughter was so touching.   Three husbands were running in honor of their wives in treatment.  All raising over $1000 for Hope Scarves and Dan coming in as our second highest fundraiser with over $6,000!  One of them, my own.  Who not only rounded up three teams of runners at his business but also ran by my side throughout the race.  The love in these men’s eyes as they shared why they ran was priceless.  My family traveled from multiple states to be here this weekend.  As I shared my heartfelt remarks about what the race means to me I was so happy to look out and see my parents, brother, in-laws, uncles, aunts and grandma in the front row.  It means so much to be able to show them what we have created at Hope Scarves.  5540e5b7a589b4471dbc6d32
  • Race Day!  The weather was rainy and cold.  But it didn’t dampen our spirits!!  Our runners were sporting their awesome Outrunning Cancer Shirts with pride.  As I walked up to the start of the 13.1 mile race a young woman approached me and asked if we were “Hope Scarves.”  She told us her friend in New Mexico recently received a scarf and had told her to look for us.  She laughed that she had no idea what she was looking for amongst the 15,000 runners … people wearing scarves?? But we ran right into each other and I gave her a big hug and took a picture together.  It meant so much to me to have this encouragement from a scarf recipient hundreds of miles away before I embarked on my 13.1 mile run.  I turned around and my sister in law, best friend and husband were all in tears behind me.  My sister in law laughed through her tears saying… “this must happen to you all the time.  But, that was just awesome.”  “This is so much bigger than me” I said.
  • I felt great for the entire 13.1 mile run!  Handing off to my dad at mile 6, taking pictures along the 5540e5dca689b4293aeb75feway, high fiving fans, cheers for Outrunning Cancer the whole way!  At mile 12 I slowed down a little as the rain pelted down.  Laura and Jay encouraged me that I could do it.  I looked up at them with tears and rain streaming down my face and told them I wasn’t slowing down from being tired.  I simply didn’t want the moment to end.  I wanted to stay in that moment of accomplishment, strength, health, gratitude forever.  Even as the blisters throbbed on my feet.  I was SO HAPPY!!  We crossed the 1/2 marathon finish line hand in hand and hugged in the pouring rain as hundreds of runners filed in behind us.  In a sea of accomplishment, for that moment, I had Outrun cancer.
  • We welcomed runners all afternoon at our Hope scarves tent, keeping warm with the love and enthusiasm for what we were accomplishing that day (and a little Kentucky bourbon…)   I ran the last 1/2 mile and crossed the finish line twice more that afternoon – once with my family and dear friend Anne as part of our family relay.  Then again with my 10 Hope College friends who raised over $12,000 for Hope Scarves as the top fundraiser for 2015.
  • We spent the afternoon celebrating with a post race/ Derby cookout at our home for 44 dear family 5540e448a589b46112bc6f15and friends and then headed to Gerstels Place for the Post/post race party.   Friends of Hope Scarves hosted a Post Race party honoring one of our scarf recipients, Allison Bayer.   And we turned Outrunning Cancer into Outdancing Cancer as we celebrated together until 1:30am!  I never wanted the laughter, joy and celebration to end!

When you live with Metastatic Breast Cancer you treasure your good days.  Living with uncertainty of the future makes the “right now” so much more meaningful.  I often joke as people tell me to slow down that I am squeezing every bit of my joyful, intense life into a shorter timeframe.  I have a lot of living to do and I don’t know how much time I have to do it – so I am doing it with purpose and enthusiasm while the living is good!  Just a super bonus if I get to live like this for years and years!

5540e5cfa689b4653aeb7590Thank you to everyone who donated, ran, cheered, painted centerpieces, believed in us and encouraged us along the way.   I can confidently say that on Saturday I OUTRAN CANCER.  WE OUTRAN CANCER!!  At this time last year I never could have dreamed that I would get this past weekend.   That I would have felt so strong running 13.1 miles and that the community of supporters would give so generously to our mission.

We have miles to go… but we are a little closer after the steps we took together this weekend.
Thank you!
Lara

If you still wish to support Hope Scarves and the Outrunning Cancer team please click here.

Cancer is the fool today!

Happy to share that my PET scan showed no evidence of active disease. My best friend NED is sticking around!

Thank you for keeping me in your heart today. I feel surrounded by your prayers and encouragement and it brings me great comfort.

Jay and I enjoyed a beautiful day with brunch at our favorite cafe, a trail run and a stop at the plant kingdom to start our vegetable garden. I look forward to a glass of bubbly on our deck tonight as we soak up the sunshine and good news. We recognize that cancer can rear it’s ugly head again at any time. But today… Today we exhale and celebrate this good news!

Cheers to life!
Lara 551c4e5c8b5cd39f58f83bdf

I AM outrunning cancer

Friends & family,
I sit in the sunshine today brimming with happiness.  Life is so joyful right now for Team Mac.  I am feeling great and we have had many happy moments over the past weeks. Will’s first lacrosse goal.  Sharing McWane Science Center with Bennett (where I used to work in Alabama).  Will’s first quail hunt.  Bennett’s first soccer goal of the season. Family bike rides, family dinners with friends, building a chicken coop, March madness and datenights with my sweet husband.  Life is good.

As life goes for someone living with Metastatic Breast Cancer, tomorrow I have my quarterly PET scan.  The anxiety of the scan is suffocating.  And, I am overwhelmed with anxiety as I think back to how happy and carefree we were as this cancer was unknowingly taking over my body last year.  I often feel like I don’t want to let my guard down and be happy… But, I AM!

Is it ironic this scan is on April Fools Day?  Hopefully cancer will be the fool and my scan will show stable disease and no progression.  That is our sincere hope and prayer.  I’d love to continue my dance with my new found friend NED (No Evidence of Disease).  We appreciate all your thoughts, prayers, intentions and good juju tomorrow morning.

551af90e4db921336d06cde8Many ask how to support me as we live life to the fullest with Metastatic Breast Cancer.  Here is how – I am training for the Kentucky Derby Festival Marathon.  Running 13.1 miles on April 25th as part of our Hope Scarves’ team Outrunning Cancer.  I would be honored for you to sponsor me in this run.   The money we raise will support women facing cancer through our efforts at Hope Scarves as well as Metastatic Breast Cancer Research.  I have run more races than I can count over the years, yet this one carries a significance like no other.  I am so happy to be able to run and empowered to know each step I take will be making a difference.  I would be honored to have your support as I outrun cancer.   Simply CLICK HERE to make a donation on my fundraising page.  Each donation – no matter how small or big is greatly appreciated.

I will post the results of my PET scan when we know them tomorrow.  Then, hopefully I will go for a run.

I AM outrunning cancer not to run away from it, but to run faster and stronger than it.  I don’t know how long this race is, what the terrain involves or what obstacles lie in my path. But, I will run strong and brave and hopeful!  And hopefully someday we will run right into a cure.

Thank you for your support tomorrow morning as I face this scan.  And thank you for considering sponsoring me as I outrun cancer and live life to the fullest one mile and day at a time.

life is good.
Lara

 

Having a cold… and stage IV breast cancer

I have been really sick for the past week.   It’s “just a nasty virus” like so many others are dealing with right now.  Not cancer!!!  I repeat, Not cancer.  But, as I fell into the sick stupor of this cold I also fell into a pretty dark hole of sadness.  As I reflect on the past week I am a little overwhelmed with how closely my emotions and physical well being are intertwined.  And I wanted to share that on this journey it isn’t just the scans and treatments that overwhelm us… it is our emotions as well.

Let’s start at the beginning…. I spent March 5-9th in Houston at the Young Survival Coalition Conference for Young Women affected by Breast Cancer.  It was an amazing experience. The Hope Scarves’ table was buzzing in the expo all weekend.  We collected 127 stories of encouragement from young women – dramatically enhancing our story collection.   Each time I shared our mission with an attendee it bolstered my commitment to our organization and our mission.  Women were so excited to get involved and loved the work we were doing.  I have an entire blog post to tell you more about this meaningful experience (stay tuned!)  After talking non-stop for 3 days with heightened emotions my body was exhausted as I flew home to Louisville.   As the wheels touched down my aching body slowly unwound and I felt the fatigue take over.

I woke up Tuesday morning with an awful cold and could barely lift my throbbing head off the pillow.   I spent the rainy day in my cozy bed reflecting on the conference, reading and sleeping.  As I lay there and got more and more sick my thoughts spiraled to sadness and fear of a time when I will be this sick from cancer.  Tethering through time I was transformed back to this time last year when my depression, fear and anxiety paralyzed me from every day activity.  Then, in the same thought I spun to the future and I could see myself lying in bed overcome with weakness from chemo treatment.   As I lay helplessly in bed coughing and feverish my mind and heart filled more and more with the fear and anxiety of being sick.     I knew this was just a stupid cold, but lying there coughing and weak unable to help my kids with homework, listening to Jay take charge and be Mr. Mom, my mind raced to the fears of when this will be my reality.  When I won’t be the person I want to be because of… cancer…   When I won’t be here at all.

I’m sure it seems strange to someone looking at this reality from a healthy perspective.  How silly to generalize something so extreme. I should be happy and thankful for a cold – for normal, everyday illness.  And, I kept telling myself that too.  But, it didn’t stop me from being overwhelmed.  It didn’t stop the anxiety from taking over. So, as I quarantined myself in my house for the past week- keeping my distance from kids and friends.  I fell deeper into the fears and sadness that I can usually avoid.

It sounds so cliche’, but this experience really is a roller coaster.  Some days I feel so “normal” I even forget I have stage IV cancer.  Other days (like last week) I lay in bed for days paralyzed by fear.   With each dip and turn of the “ride” I hold on as tight as I can to the life I love.

I am feeling a little better now – as far as the virus- and as a result my mental stability is coming back as well.   I just thought I would share how with this disease even normal, every day events like a cold are bigger and more deeply felt for me and others facing stage IV cancer.  The fears are right below the surface.   I surprised myself how quickly I slipped back into depression and fear.  I worked so hard to build up resolve to “live well with stage Iv cancer.”  It scared me to think how I will react when I actually have to deal with progression and more cancer.   How fragile I am, even though I am so happy.

I have my monthly injection on Friday and a PET scan coming up in the next couple weeks. I’m washing my hands and drinking lots of water as I fight off this virus and climb out of the sadness of last week.  I wish I wasn’t so overwhelmed and that I didn’t live in fear.  I wish I had a better handle on all of this… but I don’t and that’s ok.  This is who I am and how I live.  Day to day. scan to scan. fear to fear. joy to joy.

to good health!
Lara

healthy… sick… what am I?

I find myself teetering on a very delicate balance between being swallowed up by cancer and living a normal, happy life.   I don’t quite fit in either.    Cancer has consumed me so much for the past year that when I write “ca” on my phone the auto spelling finishes the word “cancer” not can, cat, cantaloupe.  Always cancer.    My facebook newsfeed is filled with cancer organizations, friends facing cancer, friends dying of cancer.  I can tell when people look at me they think “that poor young woman with terminal cancer.”  But, I am not sick right now. I’m training for a 1/2 marathon, running kids around town, updating light fixtures in my foyer, leading Hope Scarves, etc…  Yet, I am not a healthy, carefree person either.  My first thought when I wake up is sadness.  I find myself crying in bathrooms when I am out with friends just overwhelmed for a moment.   I think some people shy away from asking me to do things because they aren’t sure how to engage with me and my family.  Am I sick?  Am I healthy?   Neither?

I don’t understand.  I don’t expect others to.

54eb4a43af3d79f23c96e7cfLast week our family went to Montana with a couple other families for a ski trip.  It was amazing.  We had such an awesome time together as a family – who by all accounts was just like everyone else.  Healthy, happy, vacationers… I fell for it too. I took a vacation from cancer.  Which I am so thankful I was able to do… I know for many people facing this disease that isn’t possible.   And, I didn’t take it for granted for one sunny moment.   While the kids were in ski school a couple parents went all the way to the top of Lone Mountain.  I skied a steep icey black diamond with rocks jutting out as the blur or my tears fogged my goggles.  I never thought I would be strong enough to do this again. I let go of fear and just felt my thighs burn, my heart pounding in my chest.  I gasped for air at 11,000 feet and felt so much joy.   Up there I wasn’t a cancer patient.  I was strong, healthy and capable. It was so amazing to escape reality.

What is the right way to live?  Do I live in the joy of today and forget about cancer while I can?  Just laugh and play and not let it dominate my thoughts and time??  Or, do I take this beast by the horns and advocate for change for me and others?  Raise money for research.  Raise awareness about the realty facing people with stage 4 breast cancer. Fight for more substance in the pinkwashing that has hijacked breast cancer?  Lead www.hopescarves.org with the passion of helping others facing cancer have hope in the face of fear…

Teetering…

I have always given 110% of whatever I took on.  Engaged parent?  Yup – room parent for both kids, party planning, class playdates…  Adventure?  1/2 ironman triathlon, skydiving, waterfall repelling… Education?  masters degree, check.    So, terminal cancer patient.   How do I do this in the “best” way possible?  But, at the same time not become my diagnosis?  I am so much more than cancer.  I don’t want that to be all I think about, write about, talk about… but, that IS who/what I am.

Balancing…

Somehow I will figure out how to be joyful while also recognizing the harsh reality I am facing.  One foot in a happy world.  One in a dark, scary place.  My heart torn between the two. I will perfect my balancing skills.  Surely to trip up and fall completely into one or the other at one time or another.  Terrified of the time when I can’t climb out of the dark place.  Balancing this life for as long as I can.    Just like holding the tree pose in yoga – I guess core is the key.  Strengthening the very core of my being to hold myself up when my standing leg shakes and I fall to the side.  Get back in the pose… hold it as long as possible…  only with terminal cancer- I can get knocked over no matter how strong my core is.   Strength can’t hold me up forever.

As I balance between the two worlds- I appreciate your support.  I can’t balance like this on my own.   Don’t worry about how to best support me in this balancing act.  I don’t know either. When you reach out and lend a hand you hold me up.  Maybe as I lean into the world of joy – dinner, theater, running.  Maybe as I tip into the world of fear – doctor appointments, crying, anger.  We wobble together…for as long as we can.  I appreciate not being on the see-saw alone.

teetering,

Lara