A breath without cancer…

In the latest twist and turn on the MBC roller coaster, the fluid drained from my lung came back with NO SIGN OF CANCER.  (that’s right, no sign of cancer).

I shared an emotional update on social media the afternoon we received this information.  And again, the next day I reflected on my feelings at my favorite stop on my trail run.  I hadn’t yet processed it in writing… until today.

While we still don’t know what caused the fluid we breathe a collective sigh of relief to know it wasn’t filled with cancer cells.   And, now we wait to see if it fills up again.  At which point we will drain it again and test for a variety of other causes such as infection, pulmonary disease, immune disease, etc… and of course, cancer. Again.

The emotional toil this kind of waiting, wondering and worrying brings is hard to put into words.  Almost every breath I take is a twinge of fear.  Because, we still don’t know exactly what is going on… and that’s hard.

Over the past 5 years I have worked hard to not live in the perceived future or let the unknown control me. I work hard to let this disease steal moments or days – I gratefully accept this good news, tuck it away and get back to living.   I have to ride this MBC roller coaster – there isn’t any getting off. It’s not a fun ride.  But, this is the only life I get.  So, I need to savor the good news and make the most of each twist and turn –  Living each day as fully and gratefully as possible.

That doesn’t mean denying my sadness or fear.  I leave space for these feelings, but I work each day to not stay in this dark place. Instead, I seek joy.  A smoothie with a friend, a sleepover at our farm, taking the cutest red head I know on a mother/son date in a limo and just being grateful for the every day moments too.

Each day is a gift. Each breath is a gift.

Live it! Breathe.